Dear Helpful Hannah,
I write to you not certain that I will live long enough to receive a response. I've been dating a woman for the past three months. At first, everything was euphoric. I'd never felt so strongly about anyone ever in my life. It felt like I was constantly frolicking through a field of roses.
Then a month passes and I begin to notice strange quirks about my girlfriend. She has me over for dinner several times and she always cooks some bizarre stew. One had frog legs in it while another featured EYEBALLS. She claimed they were traditional stews from her homeland. When I playfully asked where her homeland was, a swamp? She calmly tells me, "continue to mock my ways and you shall feel the pain of a thousand snakes." What does that even mean?! At that moment I knew I had landed myself a crazy.
Naturally, I did what any normal sane person would do when they snag themselves a nut job. I attempted to get as far away as possible. So at that very moment I told her that I think we're both very different people and it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore. She tells me that I can't break her heart. She's too close to my soul and begs me to give her another chance. When I decline, she starts yelling in gibberish words that sound satanic and grabs a kitchen knife. I calm her down and reluctantly agree to stay with her. I was scared for my life if I said no. Then she hurls the knife into the wall, smiles creepily, and starts kissing me! I’ve never felt so violated in my life.
I’ve hit a road block and desperately need some guidance in order to navigate myself out of this horrible situation. I don't want to be with this woman anymore, but I'm terrified that she'll do something horrible to me if I refuse to be her boyfriend. I can't go anywhere without her hovering around me and whispering strange incoherent things into my ear. When I ask her what she whispered, she tells me, "nothing. Just a love poem." I tell her I want to hear this love poem. I want to hear it instantly. She goes on to tell me, "it's still brewing. In due time."
Helpful Hannah please help ASAP.
Sincerely,
Scaredashell
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Dear Scaredashell,
It sounds to me like you're having intimacy issues. Revert to the basics. Go back to holding hands and see where that leads. Sometimes slowing a relationship down is exactly what the relationship needs.
Also, it's okay not to enjoy her ethnic meals however, if you want the relationship to work, you should at least try to explore her heritage. It is part of who she is. Embrace her unique customs and perhaps the relationship might still have a chance at a happy ending.
Remember, relationships are all about give and take. Show her you are a willing participant in both. Write her a poem and share it with her. Maybe then she won't be so self conscious about sharing her poetry with you.
Helpfully yours,
Helpful Hannah
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Helpful Hannah,
I think you're missing the point. I don't want to be with this woman anymore. She creeps me out and I'm pretty sure she is planning to sacrifice me to the devil or something. Last night I woke up in bed and she was cutting off bits of my hair and burning them into a candle! I was so freaked out that I pretended to still be sleeping. She was also muttering something evil sounding and I’m pretty sure she mentioned the name Jebidiah. What the hell is Jebidiah? Has the devil ever been called Jebidiah?!
Thankfully I survived whatever weird seance thingy she was doing. My hair was another story. When I looked in the mirror the next morning, I founnd tons of patches of my hair missing. And I’m thinking to myself, is this supposed to be subtle? The funny/ironic thing is that she owns a hair salon. Clearly the worst hair stylist ever!
I asked her if she knows what happened to my hair. You're going to love this. She tells me, "it must have gone back inside your head. Maybe stress." I seriously felt like I had a big sign on my head saying: This guy is stoopid.
I also did what you said about the heritage thing. I cooked some dishes from my culture. She refused to eat anything I cooked her, saying that she's allergic to everything in all my dishes. All she wants to eat are her nasty stews. I pretend to enjoy them, but if I have to eat one more stew that stares at me with each bite, I will scream.
Still, I tried to put forth an effort and asked more about her culture. She shows me this book of witchcraft. She says she is this reincarnated woman named Esmerelda. I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is a witch. No, I know she is a witch. I sneezed a handful of spiders this morning!
There has to be a way to convince her that I'm not right for her. Please, I don't want to lose all my hair or continue having strange encounters with insects. I have big plans with my life and want to survive beyond this relationship.
P.S. She hated my poem and said it lacked logic. Still have yet to hear her “love poem.”
Scaredashell
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Dear Scaredashell,
Congratulations! You are very popular amongst my readers and people really connect with your issues. Take solace in knowing that your pain is felt by many who are learning with you and support you.
Now, what I’m about to tell you may be hard for you to hear, but it needs to be said. Witchcraft is not real. It is something that only exists in fairy tales.
Perhaps the stress of this relationship has clouded your mind. The steps you have taken towards having a healthy relationship are quite frankly, appalling. This woman has been very open with you and you are pressuring her to be somebody that she isn’t.
In addition, your mental health appears to be dwindling towards a negative state. If you’ve ever wondered whether psychiatry might be a good option for you, I can give you a number to a personal friend of mine. He has guided many of my help seekers through therapy and they are always better as a result. His methods are a bit unorthodox. Just know that the canoodling is all part of the healing process.
Moving on to the hair loss conundrum that you wrote about. Most men go through hair loss. That is nothing to be ashamed of or worry about. Is it possible you dreamt that your girlfriend was cutting your hair? Perhaps this is a deep rooted fear that you will go bald prematurely. Top hats are always a nice alternative to a hairless head.
As for the spiders, I do believe most people eat an average of eight spiders per year while they sleep. Perhaps a spider laid eggs in your nose last week, they hatched, and then you sneezed them out. That would make the most sense.
At this point, I strongly advise you to do something drastic. Either seek therapy or run. Just take off and never look back. Change your name if you have to.
This relationship is not based on trust and that to me, means that it has little hope of ever evolving into something more. Without therapy, you could be a danger to this poor, fragile, shy, misunderstood, innocent woman.
This woman sounds wonderful and deserves the best. If you can't be the person she needs and she isn't able to let you go, then you need to separate yourself any way possible. Either option you choose, make sure it is out of her best interest and not based on your selfish and petty reasons. I know men like you and honestly, I'm a little sick to my stomach right now.
Best of luck to you in your future and remember, Helpful Hannah helps, always.
P.S. Please send a copy of your love poem. I’d be interested in reading it if you are willing to share.
Thanks for writing,
Helpful Hannah
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Hannah!
I don't have much time. A fever has consumed my body and I've barricaded myself in the bathroom. She is coming for me. I'm using the last of my cell phone's battery to email you this message. It may not be the best use of it, but I feel compelled to tell you that you are an idiot.
After reading your last response to me, I decided on the run far far away option. She hunted me down. She hopped on a broomstick and found me. I managed to get three states away. It was no use. Now she has me dressed in this bizarre colonial outfit and she keeps calling me Jebidiah. I'm not Jebidiah! Not even close. I can't believe you advised me to continue dating this woman. If I don't make it out of tonight alive, please promise me you will stop writing this advice column. You have brought me nothing, but bad advice.
This woman is clearly psychotic! She omg she's herenooooooo
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Dear Scaredashell,
Being rude and Channeling your fear of commitment onto me is not going to save your relationship. I'm appalled that you have lashed out at me like this. For the love of God, this woman is clearly exploring her wild side and you acting immature is just sad.
You'll look back on this woman one day and realize that you had someone special. Someone who truly understood you. She'll be the one that got away. I know these things. Believe me, you should have hung on to this one.
Unfortunately, at this time I must ask that you no longer write to me. I must shift my attention to help seekers who actually heed my advice. Best of luck to you.
Helpfully yours,
Helpful Hannah
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Dear Readers,
It comes with great sadness that I must inform you that I am no longer going to be writing this advice column. Due to some legal issues from a former individual who used to write to this column, it is now impossible for me to continue writing. He has ruined my life. I can’t use his legal name. For the sake of this article, I will refer to him as Scaredashell.
If you ever come across him, please spit in his face for me. He has a large rat-like tail with pointed dog looking ears and a pig snout. You can't miss him. I think a witch or something must have cursed him. Otherwise he's just naturally hideous. I bet it was a witch though. It's kinda pathetic. He should know to avoid witches at all costs. Those women are evil and not the fun kind of evil.
Anyways, I digress. It has been a pleasure helping those of you who have written in over the past four years. I’d like to throw out a special thank you to Pickled Pete, who I helped get over his most unfortunate phobia of his mother and Slutty Sally who discovered that sometimes more than one relationship occurring simultaneously is a good thing.
It is people with real problems that I feel I helped the most. Those impostures like Scaredashell, who are only out to destroy me, deserve whatever fate has dealt them.
Goodbye faithful readers. You will always remain my favorite people. Your screwed up lives have made me a large amount of money. I mean, I'm set for life and can comfortably retire to a nice exotic location. Seriously, thanks for not having any common sense and having the inability to make decisions on your own. It's much appreciated.
P.S. Here is Scaredashell’s love poem for your enjoyment. I believe you will find it as pathetic as I do.
Witches are cool
Witches don’t drool
I’d like to be free
I’d like not to pee
Please don’t kill me
Please let me be
So for the last time, helpfully yours,
Helpful Hannah
