Everybody wants me to stop and smell the roses all the time. They say to slow down and enjoy the little things that life has to offer. I tell them that life is too short for that kind of logic. There is too much going on or about to go on or that could go on that I can't wait around for the minuscule things to take place.
What if I'm walking down the street and I see a cute cuddly fly land on a parked car? Then I watch this fly intensely. Truly get to know this fly. The fly and I are on a first name basis by now. We even have a few inside jokes that I'm somewhat embarrassed about. Mainly due to them centering around my sexual inadequacies.
So naturally his "jokes" lead to us getting into a huge argument. It doesn't matter who started it, but he did. Obviously. Anyways, the point is that it happened. I hurt Carl's feelings and he hurt mine.
After we make up and get past our outburst, he begins insulting me about my poor fashion sense and I slam my hand down... hard... on the car... out of frustration. I swear to you, my intention was not to hurt the guy. He just really gnawed on my nerves until they snapped into a thousand pieces.
So what happens in the end? Well, I'm left wiping fly guts off of my hand and feeling like it was my fault that Carl died. I'll keep telling myself that Carl was old and it was just his time, but I know that there will be this guilt deep deep DEEP down inside eating away at me. It will say that I'm a deranged bug crusher and that I liked it and now that I've gotten a taste for it, I'll do it again.
Clearly this is merely a hypothetical situation. I've never had a conversation with a fly. If I did, it would most likely include questions about if they know how disgusting they are. Wow... I can't believe myself. Now I'm putting down a fly I've never even met and then allegedly killed. You see, that's what I was talking about earlier. Slowing things down to enjoy the little things in life will only get me into trouble.
Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. What if I actually just stopped to smell the roses and avoided bugs and animals and people all together. I see a rose. I smell it. I literally stop and smell the roses.
Why a rose though? I mean it's so cliche and they offer little in the handling department (thorns=ouch). You see, I'm a very touchy feely kind of individual. I think if I were to stop and smell anything, it'd have to be the dandelion.
Sure dandelions lack the warm harmonious smell of the rose, however they are so much more enjoyable. I can pluck a handful of dandelions from the earth and prance through an open field of dandelions while singing 'Highway to Hell.' If I were to pluck a rose followed by prancing through a rose field, I'd bleed.
Many horticulturists have said to me that a rose transforms a garden into a work of art, while the dandelion is known as a weed, a nuisance, a pest, a disease, the poop flower, and on occasion, Dale Handman (a corrupt cult worshipping city council member known for wearing a dandelion on his lapel). These facts can't be denied. Although I wonder, could Dale Handman have used a rose for his lapel without pricking his finger. I think not. He would most assuredly bleed.
This seems like an opportune moment to talk about the dandelions determination to take over as much territory as possible. They want to be seen and unseen and then seen again. They will grow low and even high. This is a noble quality to possess. They have ambition. Roses just sit in clumps and look down on other flowers. Then again, if roses actually grew a pair and spread out a bit, they would cause bloodshed.
I strongly believe that the US Military should take note of the dandelion. It may not be able to cause as much destruction as the rose, however it is craftier and undoubtedly more of a winner. I like to think of the dandelion as the ninja of the flower kingdom. Roses could never be ninjas because once they decide to sneak up on someone, their cover would be blown instantly and there would be blood.
Now one must be wondering at this point, how on earth can the dandelion be the perfect symbol for what is supposed to be a powerful force to be reckoned with? I ask you this. Can you effortlessly kill a dandelion? Yes. I suppose you could just pluck a dandelion out of the ground fairly easily, however it's friends, family and casual acquaintances would then come out of hiding in large numbers and stare at you menacingly.
Dandelions teach us the power of loyalty in numbers. Roses have small cliques that bully the other flowers into submission. They are the villain to our hero the dandelion. They are the underdog that everyone should be rooting for. A military should aspire to be an underdog because only then will they be properly rewarded when they unexpectedly win. Oh, and if you tried to pluck a rose, you'd bleed and everyone knows that any good war, I mean really good war, should be fought with kindness and hugs. A hug doesn't cause blood.
Side note: Battle of the Hugs would be a lot less expensive. It's a much more cost effective method than spending countless dollars on weapons.
At this point, I would like to digress and address a bizarre and inspiring report that surfaced last year. A dandelion grew out of a man's ear. Say what?! This is true to the best of my knowledge. Sadly, pictures were not taken due to the the individual with said dandelion having a severe case of cameraphobia. Just my luck... As creepy and icky wicky as that sounds, it's kind of amazing. That tale touched my heart deeply. It inspired me to prove a point. I decided to grow a rose out of my ear, which resulted in the most painful and unique ER experience ever. In case you didn't guess it, there was blood, lots and lots of blood.
Perhaps the most winningest point I must make before we close this rambling dandelion love fest, is that I could select a prepubescent dandelion and blow the seedlings into the warm summer air, watching them dance in the light breeze like drunken fairies. Occasionally, one of those fairies might tickle my lips and cause me to giggle. Now that sounds pleasant. If I did that with a rose, I would bleed.
Dandelions are abundant, inspire the military, and are kid friendly. Despite this, they are still abused and looked down upon. These under appreciated FLOWERS need me. They need my attention. I'm going to give it to them. Not because I'm slowing things down to appease the masses. No. It's due to the fact that I have found my purpose. Through hypothetical stoppage of time, I can see more clearly now. And all I see are dandelions.
