The Borvillian Email Exchange

Message Sent: 4/2/2012


Dear Borvillian Inc.,

I am writing this email in angst to complain about a product I recently purchased that was made by your company. It was the newly released board game, Murder Me Twice. For the record, I was a huge fan of Murder Me Once and was anxiously awaiting the new version of the game. After I opened the box, I discovered that half of the pieces were missing. Not to mention that some of the objects included were a paper clip, a box of matches, and dental floss. I’m at a loss as to who would create a game that has dental floss as one of the possible murder weapons.

Anyways, I attempted to return this game and to my dismay, Bullseye (where I bought the game) refused to take back the product I purchased just hours earlier. They told me that it was opened and that I had removed some of the pieces (it was already missing pieces!). Now I’m reaching out to you to correct this most frustrating error. I just want my money back; otherwise I promise you I will never ever forever never purchase another one of your products again.

Thanks,

Chris Gobbe

Message Sent: 4/4/2012

Dear Concerned Customer,

We appreciate your enthusiasm for our product and the additional game pieces are on their way via mail.

Thanks,

Borvillian Inc.

Message Sent: 4/5/2012

Borvillian Inc,

This is not what I requested. I don’t want spare pieces. This whole experience is very frustrating. I even attempted to play the game today without the pieces, thinking that perhaps the game itself would redeem this obnoxious situation. News flash! I was wrong. This game is nothing like the original. There are way too many rules to keep track of in this version. First I can use a weapon against the sasquatch, then the sasquatch comes back to life just to floss its teeth. WTF? Honestly, the game makes no sense. My friends and I stopped playing after 6 and 1/2 hours because we lost interest due to boredom. I’m pretty sure there is no object to the game or even a way to win. Please, just give me my money back.

Chris Gobbe

Message Sent: 4/8/2012

Dear Concerned Customer,

We are pleased to hear that you played our board game with your friends. Please feel free to purchase our newest board game, Battle of the Monkey Spiders Part 3, out next week.

Your Friend,

Borvillian Inc.

Message Sent: 4/8/2012

Are you serious? Have you read a single word I wrote to you people? You're a disgrace to all board game makers. I will never play Murder Me Twice again and I will make sure everyone knows how horrible it is. Social media will unleash hell on your sales. I will not rest until your company is bankrupt or REFUNDS MY MONEY!

P.S. I hate you.

-Chris

Message Sent: 4/11/2012

Dear concerned customer,

It is people like you who inspire us to create the most unique board games that we can imagine. Thank you for all your emails. We will cherish them always.

Forever yours,

Borvillian Inc.

Message Sent: 4/11/2012

Screw you!!!!!

Message Sent: 4/13/2012

Dear Concerned Customer,

We would like to remind you of our mission statement: Acquire the rights of popular board games and release obnoxious sequels to them that not only frustrate the indivuals attempting to play them, but also causes an extreme amount of boredom.

If you did not read the fine print on the rules, back of the box, inside the box, on our website, or the thousands of angry bloggers who routinely post about us, then we are sad to hear that you are illiterate. Our sincerest apologies. As a token of our error, we will send you a demo of our upcoming card game, Stupid People Can Read Too Two.

Thanks for your support.

Love always,

Borvillian Inc.

A Turtle's Tale

I remember it vividly. The day was dark and storm- Wait no. That's not right. It was... It was sunny. That hot sticky sweat in my shell sort of weather. My feet sizzled as I took each step on the asphalt. 

My rival, Thaddeus, was pulling ahead of me. He had recently purchased a pair of sneakers and I being the cheap turtle that I am, chortled at his new acquisition. Now I realized the error in my logic. He had an advantage. An unforeseen edge! Each step he took mocked my hot blistered feet. 

If I didn’t pull off a miracle, then the race would be over. I would be humiliated in front of Gertrude, the sexiest turtle on this side of the swamp. She wore her shell low cut and it made me want to... I’m getting off topic. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes! I yearned to catch Gertrude’s attention and this was the most opportune moment. Losing was not an option. 

“I love you, Gert-” I shouted as I propelled myself into the air and did the unimaginable. I jumped three glorious centimeters forward, tumbled five centimeters into Thaddeus, and landed one centimeter past the finish line, just barely winning the triathlon and becoming the first turtle in recorded history to jump and not wind up on its back.

Tales will be written about that moment for generations to come and I, Barry, will be immortalized in statue form. Sure some people may spit on the statue and climb on it inappropriately, but it will be because of my fearlessness and awesomeness-ness that they are showing me respect in their own imaginative way.

Thank you Thaddeus for being such an ass and thank you Gertrude for inspiring me. For had everything in that moment not been perfect, then I would not have experienced the most magical moment of my turtley little life.