Untie That Tie!

Sherri: I still don't get it.

Fred: There's nothing to get.

Sherri: Why wear something that time and time again causes bad things to happen to you?

Fred: I got used to it. It's become a part of me now.

Sherri: You ever think about buying a new tie? Maybe one that isn't so ugly. I mean, most men have several different ties.

Fred: That thought has grazed the surface of my mind. This tie is just so... well... it's so me.

Sherri: No, it's not. No man should ever have pink lightning bolts on any part of their clothing. Especially, if they light up.

Fred: I'm not taking this tie off. The other day it got caught in the elevator door as it was going up and almost choked me.

Sherri: Then I'd consider that to be an unlucky tie. It seems to cause more harm than good.

Fred: I think you're missing the point. Sure, it almost killed me, but it also saved my life. It managed to slip out of the elevator doors right when I was about to lose consciousness. Now that, my dear friend, is what I call luck.

Sherri: Do you know the definition of luck?

Fred: Ha! Don't be silly.

Sherri: So that means... no?

Fred: Of course I know what it means, Sherri. You're missing the point. This tie is special. It reeks of good vibes. I wore this tie for my job interview and it landed me this very job.

Sherri: Exactly! This job reeks. You said it yourself. You told me yesterday that you hate this job and nothing would make you happier than quitting.

Fred: True... But I got the job. Out of the hundreds of applicants, I was number one. Last time I checked, that makes me a winner. Care to check your dictionary on that word?

Sherri: You're ridiculous.

Fred: W-I-N-N-E-

Sherri: Fine! It helped you get a job. You get money from this job. That's the only "good" thing the tie has done for you.

Fred: If it wasn't for this tie, I might be a homeless gentleman wandering the streets, searching for not just food, but something that would save me from my miserable existence. A tie perhaps? Fortunately, I have already found the perfect tie. I won't ever have to worry about bad things happening to me as long as I wear this tie. (beat) Face it Sherri, this tie has shown me a lifetime of happiness in one short and beautiful year. By abandoning it now, I am no better than a farmer setting fire to his crops.

Sherri: What the hell does a farmer have to do with your tie?

Fred: Oh Sherri, you worry me so much.

Sherri: Give me the tie.

Fred: Don't be so dramatic.

Sherri: Since putting that tie around your neck, it's landed you this dead end job, you tripped over it the other day when you picked up that pencil that fell off your desk, and you may or may not have killed someone with it. The tie's track record is appalling. It is bad luck and has ruined your life.

Fred: You're not looking at it the right way. I have a job in THIS economy. It may have caused me to nearly break my back, but it also led me to that pencil. It taught me to appreciate the little things in life. And sure it also may have contributed to the accidental death of that intern... What was her name?

Sherri: I don't remember. You're the only person I talk to in this dump.

Fred: Her name's not important. The point is, I was cleared of those murder charges not due to the fact that I was indeed innocent, rather because the tie was my solid alibi.            

Sherri: Fred! Wake up! Your wife left you because your tie had a lipstick stain on it. Your boss demoted you because your tie was staring at him awkwardly during a meet-

Fred: That's not what he said!

Sherri: It is Fred. I swear to God. Mr. Higgins told me it was the tie. That is why you are now in the mailroom. He was hoping you would take the damn thing off at that point. You look ridiculous in your mailroom uniform and that stupid tie.

Fred: Well, Mr. Higgins told me he needed a good sorter and that this was just a temporary career pit stop. I'll have to have a conversation with him then.

Sherri: Good! You should do that. Just take that damn tie off first.

Fred: Look, I know your jealous, but you can't have my awesome tie. Maybe you'll find a lucky pair of shoes or stick of gum one day. Actually, I don't hope. I know your luck will change like mine has. You just have to believe.

Sherri: Give it to me.

Fred: Just open your heart to the possibil-

Sherri: I don't want to have to take it from you.

Fred: Sherri, you're sounding a little hostile.

Sherri: If you don't hand that tie over to me so that I can cut it up into a thousand little pieces, then I will no longer talk to you. I will stop being your friend. I will pretend that you don't exist. That tie will be a symbol. It will be a mark of a diseased man who is so pigheaded that he can't see how one piece of clothing is single-handedly destroying his life.

Fred: Then my tie will have to be my friend.

Sherri: Do you ever think before you speak?

Fred: Occasionally.

Sherri: You're now invisible to me.

Fred: Be kind to the tie and it will-

Sherri: Fred, you need a hobby or something. All you talk about is your tie. Not your ex-wife, kids, pets, movies you've seen, or other normal things. It's always your tie. I don't want to talk about the tie anymore. (beat) I'm done.

Fred: You brought up the tie.

Sherri: No, I didn't.

Fred: Yes, Sherri. I was talking about fertilizer and you said for the umpteenth time that I need a new tie. "No sane person wears the same tie to work everyday." Those were your exact words.

Sherri: Well, I just-

Fred: You just what?

Sherri: I just think that the tie is trying to sabotage your life and won't stop until it kills you.

Fred: Were you listening to a word I just said? My lucky tie is not going to kill me. It is my protector. My suit of armor. My shield. Did you ever stop to think that maybe those bad things that happened to me were going to happen anyways and it was this tie, that saved me from further harm. It is the one constant in my life. The one thing that I can count on.

Sherri: You can count on me.

Fred: Obviously not. You're toxic and I'm sorry, but my tie and I can no longer be friends with you.

Sherri: Wait, I can change. I can learn to accept the tie.

Fred: Sherri, we both know you will never accept the tie. (beat) Goodbye.

Sherri: Fred! Wait!

Fred: Yes?

Sherri: I love you.

Fred: No you don't. You love the tie. You want me to toss it away so you can steal it away from me and suck all that is good and pure out of it. I won't let you corrupt it.

Sherri: Can I at least touch it one more time?

Fred: It's too late, Sherri. I wish you nothing, but happiness in your future. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some mail to sort through.